...in change

I don't like change. As long as I can remember change, transition, and unknowns have be a serious point of anxiety for me. Now, I don't mind small changes like a blip in our plans or a different kind of peanut butter. It's the big ones that rock my core....like having something that was ALWAYS there be gone forever. That has been my past couple of weeks.
My mom has recently moved my grandma into a nursing home. This was a much needed move for my grandma's well being and although difficult, definitely the right thing to do. With this big change (which in and of itself is unsettling) means the cleaning out and selling of my grandma's house. This is obviously a natural part of people in our lives growing older and something that just needs to be done. However, for me, this is life altering. Now let me take a few steps back to clarify why this is such a HUGE deal.
It's a big deal for three reasons...
1. My grandma is incredibly special to me. She loves her home (as we all do) and didn't want to leave it. Her leaving means me never getting to spend time with her there, in her environment. That's kind of impossible for me to comprehend. Her home is special because she is special.
2. My grandma has lived in this house for 60+ years. In my 33 years, nothing has changed in this house...not one thing. Maybe a new chair has found it's way in, or we rearranged the couch a couple times, but that is it. The pictures on the wall have always been there. She's always kept the tea on the same pull out drawer in the lower left cabinet. The same decor has graced the bathroom, bedroom, kitchen and living room. The white room has always been the "kids" room. The carpet shows the wear of our many walks from one end of the house to the other. Her home has remained unchanged for as long as I have known it. To me, it has been the epitome of stability.
3. It's the only true home I've ever known. We moved around a lot when I was a kid and I've moved around a lot as an adult. My grandma's house has always been home base. I spent much of my childhood there. In a lot of ways I grew up there. I would even say that the majority of my great childhood memories are there....many new years eves with a snack table laid out by grandma and pots and pans banged on her porch, many easter egg hunts and pictures in our dresses with our new stuffed bunnies, many halloweens with our costumes ready to trick or treat in her neighborhood, many times of climbing her tree or playing in the nearby circle cul de sac, many times of decorating her christmas tree, many listens of the Sound of Music soundtrack on her record player, many sleepover nights and watching Golden Girls with grandma on the couch, many trips up to explore in the attic, many great family times in the family room and games played at the dinning room table, many great meals cooked in the kitchen, MANY great memories in every nook and cranny of that house. And even as an adult after going through a tough time, it was where Josh, Sydney and I lived for a few months until we got back on our feet. It's where Sydney was potty trained. It's where she has spent the last few Christmas mornings and birthdays. It's where her special room is. My grandma's home is a place of feeling safe, at home, comfortable, known and loved.

A couple weeks ago, my mom took on the daunting task of beginning to pack up and clean out my grandma's house. I went for a day last weekend to help and to choose some things of grandma's that I wanted. I walked in to a house in shambles, boxes everywhere, walls bare. It was one of the toughest days I've had in a long time. There is a for sale sign in the yard and the first offer came in only days after that was put up. The stress and sadness of watching this home disappear, that I have loved so dearly, is wearing on me big time. Now I know it's just a house, but it represents all the security and stability I have ever known. It is my heart's earthly home.

Now, I don't know yet how to find the good in this change. I'm working on that. The only good I'm finding is a strong appreciation for the home my grandma provided my mom and my siblings and my family for many many years. There is good in all the memories there. And I'm so very grateful that I still have the cornerstone of that home, my amazing grandma, to enjoy for what I hope is a very long time.

Heavenly Father, thank you for my grandma's home.
Thank you Lord for the promise of an eternal home...
"For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands." 2 Corinthians 5:1
"But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ,  who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body" Philippians 3:20-21
Thank you for the gift of knowing stability and love in my grandma's home and what my grandma and her home have taught me about consistency and steadfastness...
"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. " James 1:17
" Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." Hebrews 13:8
"I the Lord do not change. So you, the descendants of Jacob, are not destroyed." Malachi 3:6
"In the beginning you laid the foundations of the earth, and the heavens are the work of your hands. They will perish, but you remain; they will all wear out like a garment. Like clothing you will change them and they will be discarded. But you remain the same, and your years will never end" Psalm 102:25-27
"Who is like you, Lord God Almighty? You, Lord, are mighty, and your faithfulness surrounds you."  Psalm 89:8